


Geyser

by ErRose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27483646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErRose/pseuds/ErRose
Summary: Taking place right after 15.18, Dean ruminates on what Cas meant to him. (Spoilers for 15.18 in case you haven't heard about it yet somehow)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Geyser

Dean’s phone buzzed in his hand yet again. It took a herculean effort to not throw it at the wall and shatter it into million pieces. He let it drop to the floor next to him instead. It was all too much too fast. He knew he needed to answer the phone, to let Sam know he was alive, and that Cas was…

He started his thought over. He knew he needed to let Sam know that he was alive, but at what cost? What would he even say? “Hey Sammy. Yeah it’s me. Turns out I’m an idiot and instead of chasing Chuck, the person who actually was making everyone disappear, I went after Billie based an assumption. Yeah, I just played right into Chuck’s hands and let my anger and my need to kill something and take a win override my sense. Turns out she was dying anyway and her final wish was to kill me, but Cas stopped her. How you ask? Oh, by summoning the empty and allowing it to take them both. Oh yeah and one more thing. Turns out he’s been in love with me this whole time. Anyway, see you at home”? 

His shoulders shook of their own volition, and each breath was more ragged than the next. The phone buzzed gently on the floor again, but it was easier to ignore this time while a black hole formed in his chest and consumed him, starting with his soul, and would surely finish by taking his body and leaving no trace that he even existed. 

Cas, his best friend, the one person who meant nearly as much as Sam, gone. Gone after a confession of love and adoration. Gone _because_ of a confession of love and adoration. There was no next move. Cas had rescued himself from the empty before, but something told him that that would not be happening again. He had no way of contending with it- though a few years ago he would have said there was no contending with god either. 

He considered every sacrifice Cas had made since meeting. Were they sacrifices made for the greater good? Or for Dean? He always knew the answer- or at least thought he did. What kind of selfish dick assumes sacrifices that cost someone what Cas had always been willing to give was just for them? His sacrifices for Sam and Sam’s for him were different. They were brothers, and had always been willing to do anything to protect each other from everything- starting with their father, and ending with god himself. 

But Cas. Cas didn’t have that built in allegiance. Cas had something else. Cas had love- love built on respect. 

He didn’t know how to process anything that had happened since leaving Sam and Charlie. A creeping feeling tried to snake through his veins, trying to determine if it had been mutual. He tried to tamp it down. What did it matter? Cas was… it just didn’t matter anymore. 

Dean had always skipped love and went straight to lust. He had never even been sure if he knew what love felt like, and had always known that he had never been deserving of it. It’s not like he had time for it anyway. And besides, anyone who got even a little too close always got hurt. There was of course an argument to be made for loving someone who was already too close. Someone who was born into the line of fire just as he and Sam and Cas had all been. But even that was asking for pain. Sam, who had some idea of how to be in love, had been hurt so many times simply because of the life they lived. Starting with Jess, and now with Eileen. 

How could he be the person Cas saw? Cas, who loved him enough to defy heaven and hell, God and Lucifer, saw past the anger and the constant pain. Cas knew him better than he knew himself, and still insisted on loving him. He loved him and never asked for anything more. How many times had Cas watched him leave a bar with a woman, and never showed any resentment. All he asked was that they be allowed to exist together and fight side by side. He carded his fingers through his hair as another sob fell from his lips. 

Of course he loved Cas. Of course. Other than Sam, Cas was the only constant. Something happens in over a decade of protecting each other with your lives. Or perhaps the reverse is true. Perhaps they spent a decade protecting each other because they both loved the other, but were too afraid to admit it. He could feel it coming out of him like a geyser, spraying everywhere, but with nowhere to land. 

But none of that mattered. He slammed his fist against the floor, trying to move the pain out of his chest to somewhere more treatable. In those final seconds he had thought that maybe, just maybe, if he didn’t return Cas’ affections the empty wouldn’t come. That Cas’ moment of happiness would be incomplete if he simply didn't say anything. Billie would storm the door, and they would fight- but she was wounded, they could have won. But then he heard the slurping sound of the empty’s arrival, and there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t used to feeling helpless, there was always something to fight, a plan to make. But now Cas was gone and he was out of ideas. 

He loved Castiel. Perhaps he always had, and perhaps he always would, but now it was too late. Cas would never know how he flooded with relief every time he showed up, safe and sound. How he even enjoyed the mundane things- driving to the grocery store and arguing about which brand of bread was better or the quiet mornings when Cas watched him make breakfast and Dean played his music too loud until Sam told him to turn it down(and Cas would always roll his eyes right along with him). How he watched with wonder as Cas took gentle care of Jack, a polar opposite to how Dean had been raised; he didn’t even realize a parental figure could be that kind and loving. 

How could he tell Jack? Sam would likely shoulder that burden without even being asked, but that didn’t seem fair to either of them. Jack deserved to have his questions answered and Sam had lost his own love. But Dean couldn’t even bring himself to think the words, how could he tell Jack that the one person who showed him unending support and patience was gone. 

The door to the bunker creaked open, and Sam and Jack’s voices floated in. Sam’s panic coloring his voice calling out Cas and Dean’s names. He straightened up and stood on shaky legs, his stomach revolting against the change of altitude, and brushed the streaks of tears from his cheeks and the snot from his nose. Sam would still take one look at his red eyes and swollen cheeks and know that Cas wouldn’t be following him out. 

The world was coming to an end, and he was still going to try to stop it, but he felt as if his own world had already ended, so the world could allow him a few hours to break apart in his own bed before proving Cas right and combining his love with the full tilt of his anger. He would kill god and Amara, and shut down heaven and hell and the empty or die trying.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written for Supernatural before, but holy shit my dudes I can't believe it's canon! This was like my OG ship


End file.
